Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in falloutgirl's LiveJournal:

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Monday, May 14th, 2007
6:27 pm	Sublime moments These days I find it hard to stay interested and find it quite easy to stay jaded. There are too much temporary highs and permanent woes that finding the balance between pleasure and content are quite hard to gamble with. In my second quest to find a better job, the primal way of personally visiting each office was all too tedious. hoping to find lala land in this country of ours constitutes sweat breaking walks and sunshine burning rays. But its all good. I am damn hoping I get an interview in the next two weeks. otherwise, I will be officially deemed a loser again. Love your work and it will love you back… why is it ever so hard to do that? And in this remote filled life, I graciously appeal to the lord, to give me more sublime (I just love this word) moments due to the seemingly absence of its force. I need to stay inspired. Maybe I need a catalyst for inspiration to crop up. Or maybe I highly need a worthy exploration to let my shoes jump in stimulation. Keeping track of my dreams, I have yet to accomplish two things this summer, enroll in creative writing classes and again find a better job. As unexceptional my actions and thoughts have been, im just so cynical and blasé that maybe if I get my feet to walk in the right direction id get a high five and a pat in the back for finding the newly improved me. Say yes to positivism. Just browsing through my past file since I have nothing better to do and much rather not vote, I came across some texts that are as subliminal as I write. “Just as someday, if you have something to offer, someone will learn something from you. It's a beautiful reciprocal arrangement. And it isn't education. It's history. It's poetry." More sublime moments please. And ill pledge to pay it forward. Current Mood: calm (Comment on this)
6:26 pm	a secret tribute This obsession with youth has gotten so bloated that billboards the size of kingkong obliterating all acceptance of old age has lorded over all fashion trends. So when my mom turned a ripe old age of sixty last December, I was expecting a boohoo from her but lo and behold, much fervor to become recognized as a senior citizen took over. The days went on fixing government documents (which im surprised did not invlolve bribery) so that she’d get discounts all over and watch a movie for free. (thank you mayor!) Well my mom is 60, so that makes her 37 when I was born. Imagine getting to that age still bringing a person the size of an overgrown watermelon for god knows how long in your stomach and ending up with an ungrateful daughter like me. That sucks huh? While growing up a brat, and being a little monster for quite a long time, I became salacious (yes, shift f7, all meanings are purrfect) and well did not become trophy child of the year. Yes, I was what you would normally call, the black sheep, only among the ladies though. And so when my dad died, all efforts were a nick short of uber orchestration to round all 6 kids into worthy beings and discipline each one. And so for 13 years my mom brought me up and look at what we have here, timmy the ever so passionate, sometimes outlandish and always trying to be resilient-but-not person. Growing up was difficult, I was a little short of influence and control but I knew for every yelling argument there came loving under the loud statements. I regret being such a rebel and quickly denying that I had patience problems. I made my moms life difficult upon my adulthood but one thing I am most proud of is that for all the arguments, questions, and tears, I never lied to my mom. I wish that shed believe me at all times when words come out of my mouth but I know now it was my attitude that led her to think at times that I was just being untruthful. Moms day was yesterday. I wanted to pay homage to her existence in my life but all things just went a blur. I wanted to apologize and offer my ass for spanking but I woke up at 1 pm and emergencies went left and right that we didn’t get to even talk about it. My sister is in the hospital since Sunday eeeearrlly morning for unknown reasons and eternal tests. While I was drinking yet another alcoholic substance and cropping up a moms day plan, got a call saying that my little sister had to be brought to the hospital. So we spent moms day in the most queer of celebrations. Me, mom, bro in the house. Sisters bros in the hospital. Taking turns in the sickly place and celebration just quickly flashed away. It was a sad affair, instead of hobnobbing at a posh restaurant, mr jollibee and kfc were our eerie feeders for the day. That’s just twisted. Mom, I love you. Im sorry im so radical and defiant at most times. But you know that just means I love you. Now if you can just learn to use the dvd then learn to open a computer and a cellphone and finally get into the internet and read my blog, you’d find out that despite this fiery coating, you can stare right on through this soul and see that I still love you, back then and now. Or better yet, maybe tomorrow ill buy you new reading glasses so you can read this from our pc. And then next year, when childs day ideally becomes a holiday you’d be the one to write a blog about me. And it better be good or else.  Current Mood: ditzy (Comment on this)
Wednesday, May 9th, 2007
11:28 am	just dying for a show change My idle mind runs but oh so slowly again and I’m trying to catch sight of one of my recent goals. Ive been wanting to take up creative writing all throughout this summer but so much things have been happening and again, I lost my grasp of time management. As much as our office routine sucks, it entails us to swallow inanities come lunchtime since our canteen offers eat bulaga and wowowee on the side. And since commercials, or rather, side shows of their upcoming or ongoing programs, have been playing on cue I just decided why not write creatively on our recent tv shows. Or start with becoming a critic? Then I realized, criticism is the operative word with the state of tv stations lording over who gets more stupid next. Throw in super twins, panday, bakekang and what not and you get a dose of shows so dense you’d just rather watch mall rats and thanks heavens you’d learn more from it so greatly. I hate how commercialism has become all too hyped up and abused to the point that tv shows have degraded to such reckless topics and pay no attention whatsoever to educating the minds. Media is a strong, if not the greatest, influence to honing young minds. But this uncontrolled sense of showing so called actors strutting their made up skills and teaching viewers how to fight and fly like superheroes and hack up criminal minds is just appalling and confusing that if I were to throw in a seven year old and ask who jose rizal is, you’d certainly expect “rizal who?”. Yes blame the media, and more of you would undoubtedly react, that the parents, the government, the school, all of these are of much importance. But when you go to these schools, teenie boppers would rather talk about the latest chismis from the buzz, or the latest chikka on bokbok and those little kids would flare upon the sight of anime. At home, tv would be turned on and there you go, grab on to the network wars and learn nothing but fairy-scary-tales. Don’t get me started on the government. It deserves no such praise. Well I did grow up in a more controlled household where Sesame Street is a justified show and mcgyver and doogie howser provided so much hope and edification, that I did learn more life improving and enlightening action. And coming from a more privileged family where my parents lined me up for a great environment, I pity those that do not have the luxury to sharpen their minds and bring forth a future worth living. You watch wowowee where simple questions, which often are way too shallow, are thrown at the older ones and they cant even answer them. Their answers provide the chance of winning yet they cant fathom the thought of answering it the right way. This boils down to the very point of my post, education = winning. And media may beat the hell out of every educating thing but it solely relies on commercialism that it forgot to actually educate. Sayang lang. Mayer aptly writes and sings it, “…just dying for a subject change”. Or rather, when media sucks on money-making instead of respectable information, id rather shout, I’m “just dying for a show change.” Current Mood: awake (Comment on this)
Sunday, May 6th, 2007
4:48 pm	heal over Is it very difficult to see why, it is the way things are. Doesn’t take a genius to realize, that sometimes life is hard. Its gonna take time, but you just have to wait its gonna be fine…. KT Tunstall says it all when I need some healing. That pain is built to last but you just have to tell yourself that feelings are in the past. And so are things that are unfortunate and ill timed. They will all be in the past. It haunts me day and day and it pains me to realize that the most unfortunate things happen to people who don’t deserve it. I lost myself and a lot more things that are much too precious to me. I was made to know things and control things but there are just some instances that come before you and you just freeze and run away way too late. I cant take a step back. I walked on the edge and didn’t see the sharp turns. Its hard to mend the things that haven’t been accepted. Its hard to sit still and keep a clear mind. Its hard to find the light when you’re deeply lost in a dark tunnel. Ignorance is just pure bliss, and the more you know the more you sense things, the more you feel the darkness. What’s a little girl gotta do when innocence rolls away? I will find the desire to conclude that I wasn’t made to sleep in a bed of roses but that there will always be a ray of sunshine when I wake up. Just let it go. Let it go. Let it go. Let it go tim. Then hold on to hope. We’ll all heal over someday. Current Mood: drained (Comment on this)
Wednesday, April 25th, 2007
7:10 pm	stuck in a heartache It between being a drunkard, creating maps of red blush 45 all over my body and falling of the damn high chair, there lies a reason behind getting wasted and letting my so called armor down. Floating above my head, living a mashed up life for how many days now, coming out a drunkard has been my way of dealing with a persons departure, well not actually departure, lets say a goodbye that may as well be permanent, in physical mode. Id like to say hello sunshine, come into my life like the superfurry animals have sung in mellow mood, but the silver lining just comes in teensy bitsy rays that emphatically, are a welcome truth… if I find it. Forgive me for ranting again in the nth nerve, see I only write when im sad and issued up and everybody’s always got something to cry about. And now my sad disposition comes in threefold: 1, my bestest college friend left for good, 2: I cant satisfy my hunger for a better job, 3: and ahem, in a humdrum nonsensical mode, ang init lagi sa pilipinas!!!!! (actually ito talaga kung bakit malungkot ako… hehe) I didn’t write about her departure, for the lack of a better term, for a long time because I couldn’t suffice the words with the amount of tears I shed on the very last day. It has come to my attention that those that I become close with always leave me, and yoda never trained me to let go of the ones I fear to lose (thank you text circulation for the quote ;p) It just sucks to lose your dad, all your grandparents, and your closest friends all in one lifetime. And one lifetime ain’t enough to deal with all these losses. Im brokenhearted, thank god its not some guy who did it now, but it sucks even more that you break at the sight of dropping the most precious relationships you have. I apologize for being too selfish and focusing on my feelings rather than helping others deal with it as well. its just that, a mask can be only used for certain moments, and I can only be strong enough to formulate the simple words to appease you. Im stuck in a heartache. 5 days from now, im gonna open my eyes and feel the rays of sunlight brush through my shoulder and wont waste a moment looking up to the sky. I’m looking forward to this last summers beach trip, soaking through the sand with giggly toes and catching stars as they go by. Looking forward to ending up the nights in bottles just to forget or pretend that all days are damn right beautiful days. I hope the shore will wash away the heartache and wipe the tears away. Maybe along with the setting sun. (Comment on this)
Monday, April 16th, 2007
7:42 pm	accident prone :( lagi na lang. ayoko na ikwento kasi lagi na lang ako. ako ako ako. why me????? mga pumunta nung bday ni mik, atin atin na lang yun please?????? my sister calls me hurricane timmy cause i friggin bump into everything in the house. i use a plastic glass in the house cause ive broken too much before. i hate it. im such a klutz. my teacher once wrote a stupid letter to my mom when i was in nursery, specificaly noting that i should be taught how to keep still in a chair, cause i always always fall off my damn chair. that was in nursery. and 23 years later, im the worst accident prone person to date. why me?????? sniff...... i hate my lip right now.... help... Current Mood: crushed (Comment on this)
Thursday, March 22nd, 2007
7:17 pm	i missed you.... pusang hilaw! i missed my lj soooo badd!!!! cos our friggin office blocked lj and now i have to post in multiply all the time. its just so much more personal here, i dont know why. current thought: i want to do something, in the course of all this contemplating, but i cant do it cause a. its outcome could fireback b. i dont know if its the right thing to do c. it'll go against the very belief that ive been protecting but a. if i delay it, its gonna cause more rift b. its the most christian thing to do c. its gonna be worse if i dont hay. life. its just crayzeeeh. Current Mood: dorky (Comment on this)
Tuesday, December 12th, 2006
7:07 pm	struggle within i miss you. but you have no idea. Current Mood: drained (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Monday, December 4th, 2006
8:31 am	i have corleone blood when sonny corleone got wiped by the tollway, the godfather and his posse made sure revenge was exacted and that justice came down with a flicker of the gun. Now this, with a mafia-fied neighborhood and a power-crusted family was how blood commanded every move, every stroke, every deed that attempted to crash the supremacy of the corleones. In fact, when their empire was on the brink of political bankruptcy, al pacino took centerstage and instead of protecting his possessions, he prioritized pushing the integrity of his family and won away leading the esteemed five families. That is how bloodlines do not go streaking down without respect. ever, no matter how much treachery goes around, no matter how criminal defense may get. I bring this up because recently, I feel the need to defend someone who, despite my utter dislike at most times, still is my blood and vein. Sonny was a very rash thinker. very impulsive. packed with every inch of anger even the leftists could never come up with. But his family still loved him. And that is the way the wheel rounds up with my mom. I will continue to have arguments with her, continue to go against the tide and continue to slide away from her decisions. But with every discomfort comes the reason behind the blood-is-thicker-than-water tune and my instinct to protect her from weevil flashes out there. What is all behind this? Well, my relative called me up one fine day, only to tell me, the 5th child, (in exact words) “yang mama mo lahat na lang inaaway” etc etc etc. The 3 minute conversation left me dumb and at a loss for words. all I could say was opo, yes tita and yes po with no knowledge whatsoever of the state of affairs. I cannot imagine how much respect had gone to a person that didn’t even deserve a little bite of my cheese much less reverence in the oddest places. I never had anything against her till the day she reprimanded me for my moms actions. I have three brothers and and older sister that she could have called up. But she had to dial mi numero because she knows im vulnerable and will stand like a meek sheep in the field. Well guess what, I may have receded in our first battle but next time you bet your ass I wont. Now, I don’t have guns. I don’t have a cuss-filled mouth. and neither do I have five thousand dollar suits and political backup to make me look mafia-ish and be the protector. But I do have a brain that knows when its time to put respect in the right places. I don’t care how foolish my mom gets, I don’t care what she has done, I don’t even care if she was wrong. But you mess up with anyone from my family and you’ll get more than a dose of my anger and tank full of revenge. I know, I know, I am not capable of doing anything. My teeny weeny little body can only kick some balls to the goal and watch it hit the post. But if words were like swords to your back, then I will blast you with a thousand languages and word up like crazy. I love my family to death and I will always come to its defense no matter how wrong they will be. I will take all insults and swallow them fast but when it comes to family, I will spit them back to your face. Calmly, I will ask you to move away from our territory and I will forget you ever said anything about my mom. Do this again and suffer ill fate. You never know, I jus might be a corleone. Current Mood: determined (Comment on this)
Tuesday, November 21st, 2006
7:37 pm	its my birthday and i can rant if i want to ****was supposed to post this last sat but didnt have access to intenet*** its my birthday. I hope my “real” friends realize this. that birthdays happen once every 365 days. and that they fall on specific dates that it seems my “real” friends don’t even understand. yes I will have a dinner. and yes I want all to be there. but all is a relative word that few people understand. this is the end of the straw. I will never arrange suprises, or text everyone to gather for gimmicks, or invite them for Sunday coffee, never again. because the one thing, the one special day, where its me me me, they do not show up. mik, whose girlfriend threw up 10 times that day, stayed for one hour because he chose to do so. Mervin, who has to commute from Alabang, bring his gf back to las pinas and go home to merville showed up despite all the hassles it takes. Aisa, who had to go out of town for school, postponed her trip to the following day just so she could go celebrate with me. gene whose had a really rough and tiring day, still drove to the place. and where is my entire barkada you may ask??? oh, they’re out for dinners with different relatives, one couldn’t stand her parents irate nature, one just decided to not reply and the others… well I don’t even want to explain anymore. it makes me sick in disgust. yes I am selfish. very selfish. I want attention. attention for just one day in the entire year. where all eyes are on me. but these people who I call my immediate friends are out of the picture. so sue me for being angry. I don’t care. I never asked for anything from any of them I always make it a point to communicate with them every week. But they will not hear from me until God knows when because I simply choose to do so. because that’s how life is. You choose to do things. Its either you do it or you don’t. you go or you don’t. its that simple. making excuses are the lamest grounds as to why relationships falter. thanks to those 20 or so people who did come. to the people who I am not even that close with. but just a simple text from them would make them say yes, I will go for you. thank you to those who made me feel special despite my badtrip mood. thank you to those who know how to keep friendships alive and go to the one day that matter to me the most. Thank you to those who gave me attention and sang me a birthday song in person and told me I looked beautiful that night. thank you to those people who simply chose to go and offered no excuses. Thank you to those who made really happy that night and made me forget about the situation. Thank you to those who have made sacrifices for me and absolutely had no qualms about it. no thanks to my own barkada. you made me cry. **apologies to those who i may have hurt in this post** (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, November 14th, 2006
6:40 pm	stressed out ayoko na. mag trabaho. stress. stress. stress. stress. Current Mood: moody (Comment on this)
Friday, November 10th, 2006
8:07 am	beer ice cream anyone??? my realtionship with beer is pure hate. i abhor its bitter taste. worse than ampalaya. so come gimmick nights, me myself and i would get a strawberry margarita and whisk it faster than the speed of light. but, something changed my mind. and now... ...i love beer ice cream. yes its beer. san mig light actually. Tasted it two days ago at the hotel. I had to guess the flavor first by the prodding of our chef becuase he didnt want to reveal his latest concoction yet. my guess was that it tasted like christmas fruit cake because it had walnuts in it. Mocha ice cream gone bad perhaps??? no, it was really beer. really. as per his explanation you have to boil the beer with honey, add other secret ingredients, get an ice cream maker and voila!!! beer ice cream anyone??? try it. once its launched this november at the hotel will make an announcement. (legend villas, 60 pioneer cor. madisons streets manadaluyong...shameless plug!haha) so now, beer and i??? we fell in love two days ago. saaweeet... Current Mood: amused (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, November 2nd, 2006
8:43 am	my sneaker pimps, sonia the gardener and other cemetery stories anak ng tipaklong, may streamer pa ng “cueshe in concert” sa sementeryo. akalain mo yon?? Whoever the PR/marketing manager of that group is, he’s a disturbed person. way off his rocker. and a few meters away is a stall that sells henna tattoos! 20 pesos per letter. Mga Pilipino nga naman oh. lahat na lang ng mapagkakakitaan pinapasok. walang patawad. hay hay. I was expecting poker fiends by line too, but lo and behold, I did not see anyone. Discipline is on the way people. good good. So, has anyone seen the overly large, mansion like mausoleums of the rich and famous??? oh, their “life”styles get even classier at their death pens! grabe, mas malaki pa yun iba dun ten times sa bahay namin!!! with matching bodyguards outside and yaya’s walking around. man, I feel so poor around them, sniff sniff. if I become rich, damn sure am I gonna make a mansion for my dad. anyway, should’ve worn sneakers to the cemetery. Should’ve worn my trusty converse sneaker pimps. but I didn’t and now I have mud as nail polish and my constant flips are muck filled. shoudlve worn sneakers, damn it. but past that rash decision to wear havs is our very wise sonia, the gardener. applause please, thank you. she takes care of my dad’s tombstone (maybe I should call her tombraider..errr…haha!) im paying a tribute to her just because she has made sure my dads tombstone stays clean all year round. that means trimmed grass and shiny etchings for 12 months. Couldn’t go wrong for 1,200 only per year. I bet she only cleans it on Halloween because we only go there once a year! that sneak! ehehe… so I was thinking casually, what if sonia dies, who will be her caretaker?????? imagine that. who would she hire to clean her tombstone? maybe there’s a tombraider junior. haha. gotta meet him soon. I cant believe her life revolves around dead people. Nakakatulog pa kaya ng mahimbing yun???? zzzz… So death is lingering around. JB just reminded me what song I’d like to hear on my funeral. Sarah Mclachlans “i will remember you” I will remember you will you remember me? don’t let your love pass you by weep not for the memory I hope someone remembers this and actually plays it at my funeral. Gary V’s “warrior is a child” too. Come to think of it, there aren’t too many songs appropriate for funerals. Dapat meron kasi bawat segundo may namamatay. Hit lahat yun. haha. Oh man, im becoming morbid. enough. im just gonna hum now and start building a mausoleum. hummmm…… bye. Current Mood: calm (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, October 30th, 2006
5:41 pm	I WENT TO GUIMARAS AND HAD AN OIL SLICKED MASSAGE! joke lang. Actually we were supposed to. but management found out that we had plans and barred us from doing so. please, what deranged thing could still happen after that horrific oil spill? (personally, i wanted to go for charity purposes and save the world. NOT!) so I just came from a 12 day trip to bacolod and Iloilo. after much anticipation and hesitation as well (because it was for work), we finally set foot in the land of visayas. with 3 luggages in tow, off we went around the city of smiles and work our ass off looking for business. Armed with my flashy whites and a bit of knowledge on the language¸ I was able to experience what is was like to mix business with pleasure. boohoo! 10 things I love and hate about bacolod and Iloilo. (I just love numbering things. haha!) love 1. hospitality at its best – everyone we met and conversed with, (I mean everyone) smiled, assisted, and cared for us so dearly, we thought we were family already. free lunch and dinners, souvenirs, tours. I thought this was just a product of the mastery of their malambing ilonggo dialect, but their actions proved otherwise. They were earnest in their hosting and made us feel like love was all around! yippideedodaa! 2. bacolod holds the guiness record of having most number of people drinking beer at one time – this I heard from a lady who was short of one beer from getting drunk. I do believe her just because I saw the festivities. to drunkenness, records and believing. ayayay! 3. masskara festival – I didn’t know how to pronounce it. Whether this was a festival to pay tribute to the makeup goddesses or some honorary placement of jim carrey’s mask, this is by far the craziest festival ive been to (not that ive seen much). this was a photographers haven, too bad I am the worst photographer ever. 4. authentic chcken inasal and la paz batchoy – feast on this ma friends. authenticism at its best. (but after days of eating inasal, I swear to put off eating chicken for a month!) 5. government officials who are actually nice - yes, you’d think honest, sincere, sane officials were extinct eons ago. well tada! the visayas region happen to have kept the race intact! our first night, we met the vice governor of bacolod and drove us around the city. imagine our driver is the vice governor! d-r-i-v-e-r… wherelse can you find officials who’d go out of their way to tour us. a rarity equal to bliss. in Iloilo, none other that their general treated us to dinner. very down to earth, you wouldn’t even notice he was the general until he wore his uniform complete with stars. ive always wanted to have bodyguards around me. haha! we met councilors, mayors, tourism officials etc and all of them treated us like royalties. I just might believe in the government again. hate 1. Filthy jologs who had one beer to many – I was walking along in a sea of people casually drinking my pepsi when this stupid guy grabbed my straw! yes my straw, not my drink, not my bag, not my heart. (haha!) stupid guy!!!! and speaking of grabbing, all but two minutes after, the guy behind me grabbed my ass with his bare hands and instantaneously I look back to see who did it. I couldn’t find his punk face because there were too many people. If I find out who dumb and dumber is, they will get a taste of my fistsssss!!!! 2. wrong directions way too many – if the language barrier was hard, asking directions was even harder. if you ask them if the destination was walking distance, they say yes. 10 minutes after brazenly letting my feet suffer in heels, you’d think the ilonggo I asked had something against me. take it from me, its better to take a cab no matter how “near” you’re destination may be. 3. hotel????? – since it was masskara festival in bacolod, we couldn’t find a room in any of the hotels or even pension houses. finally, the ever reliable internet popped up a place and reservation was a breeze. huwaitaminute, this was tricky, free room after 10 fully booked hotels? turns out, after some local asked us where we were staying, our “hotel;” was actually a “motel”. wtf did we do to you google?? you deceived us! buti na lang talaga we didn’t use the towels!!! rarrr!!! 4. ininhaw everywhere – while this may sound delectable to many, I had an inkling that carcinogens aren’t exactly my close friends. there were grilled food in every nook and cranny and I got so sick of eating tarred food that I opted to eat in mcdonalds for how many days. Not such a great alternative. but I think hastening death would be the weevilest thing to do! so bye bye inihaw for now. 5. vendors selling masks at every corner- tourists may find this snazzy but I, I found it insulting. imagine, people flashings masks to your face and mouthing words you barely understand asking you to buy a mask? I realized that, this was their way of discretely saying, you need to hide your face lady and you need to hide it now, only 100 pesos! This is bacolod, the city of smiles. ditto. so, back in manila where coppers extort money, crossing the road means death and politicians battle it out to see who gets the most pork barrel….was it worth it, 12 days living in a province? not so bad actually. free dinners, bodyguards, lotsa sunshine and booze. I could get used to it, really. but for now, the memories are enough to let me live in the moment. I just might make this trip permanent. Current Mood: amused (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Saturday, October 7th, 2006
8:44 am	noonieenoonieenooo God works in mysterious and very funny ways... after all this depression has ultimately taken over, tiny sparks of happiness seem to squeeze out of my zombie self... 1. as i was walking out of glorietta, this rather odd looking-bling-filled-man stopped me from my tracks and said... "excuse me, are you a model??" ...oh sorry dear you must be very mistaken. seeing that my sullen face and thrashed self could still fool those blurry eyes of his, i decided to play along. He went insisting that my 5 foot 1 frame could be a model, and that as i speak, i possess very good diction. So i categorically deny all these "accusations" but still conversed along since i am dire need of compliments. He went on asking what my job is and how much i get..yada yada yada... and to cap the nights surprising chance encounter, he offered me a job! tadaaaa! oh my oh my, can you offer me a house and lot now? and probably a hot and mature boytoy as well? this is Gods way of saying smile, somebody still appreciates your existence and somebody just might get a kick out of who you really are. boo! 2. nothing beats my dogs warm and unconditional love. I had a staring contest with him to see how concentrated he is... and guess who won??? george -o did... after 2 minutes and 11 seconds i gave up. oh well, at least he hugged me afterwards.:) 3. my boss was absent for 3 days meaning no weeevil/annoying/angry reminders for full 72 hours! i call this the greatest feat in the office ever!!! petix all the way. yeaaaboi!!!! 4. lastly, the most important reminder from God, is that my friends just need a little nudge to notice me once in a while. nudge in the manner of a journal whose main existence is to help our suppressed thoughts get a voice of their own. Yes, i did get a little attention and some pats in the back and a cup of cold rock banana-reeses pieces-brownie ice cream. yum yum yum. If depression means i can eat ice cream for the entire phase, then i just might choose to be sad for an entire month. ditto. Current Mood: hungry (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, October 3rd, 2006
7:12 pm	ok go hay im so f***king sad and then i saw this video... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jWCSGGrU9MA buti na lang talaga... (1 Comment |Comment on this)
4:19 pm	feeling short of stable there are things you decide to get into, half knowing that you just might lose the battle, and yet you move forward because you know you have to face your fears sooner than later. There are situations that are best avoided, but in the end you clench your fist and bring a smug face just so you can prove that you can stand on your own two feet and keep your head high. This trip was a happy trip. i went because i needed a break from all the stress that ive been getting. I had a purpose - to simply have fun and let my guard down. Yes there were a lot oh so joyous moments but in the end it only made me realize that all that i have now, all that ive been protecting, all that happiness that i carry are all but temporary. Yes i am very blessed with things that physically help me go on, but emtionally, the strength i need to fight off all the negative things are just all gone.Ive already convinced myself that ive moved on. That i can look at people in the eye and be the honest person that i am. but all of a sudden i crashed and i just couldnt be normal again. I knew that i was in the wrong direction and only lied to myself. This trip made me realize how long its been since i felt i was really loved and its been three years. Three whole years where i depend on temporary happiness and feed on pices of advice that i know will never really get to my head. I went proving to myself that i will face my fear without ever looking at my past and ponder about it. But every mention of his name, every slight contact and every spoken word brings me back to the moment that i knew someone loved me even for the shortest time and i loved him back. i am confused as to how i feel. if i am longing for that person or if am longing to feel loved gain and be utterly happy. and today... today i wanted to rest my tired self. i didnt go to work so i can sleep for 24 hours and forget the drama. But i woke up with people fighting in the other room. it was my two brothers engaging in a shouting match all because of a stupid tshirt and my mom was crying in the background trying to stop them. My eldest brother went to me and said sorry immediately, and i replied its ok. I tried to talk to my second brother so he will realize whats wrong with him. But he only knows how to keep his pride and be a pain in the ass. So i walked away and told him, YOU NEVER SAID SORRY YOUR ENTIRE LIFE. He was never a brother to me, or to any of our siblings. He only cares about my mom and himself. I know he has his issues but so does everybody else. Me? nobody knows in my family that my dads death traumatized me so much so that i cannot remember my childhood. My officemates tease me for not knowing the batibot song. Others laugh for not remmebering all these childhood games. And they dont know that i am hurt everytime i cant recall any childhood memories because i blacked it all out over the incident. And my mom?? all i hear from her is how fat i am and and that i will never be succesfull in life. And i never heard her say thank you for putting myself through school. For paying bills in the house. for bringing her food or pasalubong everytime i go away. I never heard her say sorry or tell me she loves me. And im fighting all my wars alone. Because i dont know how to confide in people. Because i never want my friends to know that im lonely. People depend on me and i dont want them to see that im feeling short of stable myself. I have so much drama its sickening! All i have now is my faith. and if i lose that, then i dont know what else to do. Current Mood: numb (6 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, September 27th, 2006
8:41 am	miery loves music misery loves company. no its not another sad post. id like to veer away from that for a while. but id like to share something that misery has done to me. yes, as the old adage goes, misery loves company, and sometimes when the company you want doesn’t come when you most need it, my way of dealing would be…. music. any kind of music actually. its become a part of me. because I cannot sing, play the guitar or drums, I cant even whistle damn it! because I am frustratedly not blessed with musical talent, I get to listen. listen intently. music and me. mysery and me. music and mysery. 10 songs to deal with it. yippeee. (in no order) 1. smokey robinson and the miracles – the tracks of my tears this came from the movie “platoon” which was shot entirely in the Philippines. I think this is the best war movie of all time. yes, I am biased because I have pride in the flame, but if you watch it, this comes off as different. its a war movie with heart and soul and not just pure gore. wars are damn full of misery but this song was played while this one scene was shot in slow motion and the soldiers were resting and laughing around. I loved this song because it turned harsh reality into a bed of cloudy feely dreamy world and just calmed everything down. calm is good. very good. 2. cris cornell – sunshower its his voice. you get drawn to it. I listen to this when everything is quiet and serene. solidarity and this song are very good partners. This doesn’t make me feel sad, although it is an appropriate song when you want to be alone. I cant explain how beautiful his voice is, his song is. its just downright beautiful. 3. john mayer – man on the side I have a situation called post-breakup-syndrome, and breakup number 3’s syndrome made this the saddest song of all time. I remember singing this to myself a million times just so I could cry. “ I am the man on the side, hoping you’d make up youre mind I am the one who will swallow his pride…” that did it. I kept playing those words over and over again and crying in the same. this was my battlecry. I would go to our computer room and stay there, listen to it incessantly until I would be so tired I’d stop. then id go back the following night and relive the entire nightmare. self pity has its moments. bad moments. but what the heck, I came out of it alive. and this song was with me the whole time. solid. I look back at it now, and its so stupid how I cried about relentlessly. stupid me. side story: theres something about fame that irks me. I don’t know why. I used to love mayer back in his “infamous” days. and then everybody started singing his songs in all places possible and I hated it. I hate it when good singers get too commercialized, too mainstream. and then I listened to man on the side and it didnt get so much publicity. and that preserved its beauty. its cool though that he got famous, that’s probably one of his goals, I support that. but its just that sometimes, fame, it breaks the purity of things. Its just hate it when songs get overplayed, they listen to the music, not the message. and you get lost in the flurry of tunes. ewan. huwaitaminute… pusang hilaw, who am I to judge? cut cut cut. 4. imogen heap – candlelight my brothers girlfriend discovered imogen heap. she gave us a copy of her 2 albums and since then I’ve been hooked. ive been trying to pinpoint a local artist that would come close to her sound. but I couldn’t because her voice is so distinct. anyway, this song is a very simple song. sometimes simplicity is all it gets to make a good song. 5. lionel richie – easy like sunday morning this is one of my feel good songs. haha. after misery comes the sunshine baby! 6. Damien rice – cannonball this is a sad sad sad song. rice must’ve been down in the pits so bad when he wrote this. sad tune, sad lyrics. its spells sad in all ways and youd feel sad all the way to your toes when you listen to it. heard this a couple of years ago and didn’t pay much attention to it. but it came out again in the show “o.c.” and gave it another kick at the music scene. 7. Smashing Pumpkins – to sheila this I heard again in the o.c. and I fell in love with this song because it sounded so pure and surreal. now im not sure if this is another drug song dressed as a love song (Sheila rise, im crashing out again etc.) and I don’t care as well because itll ruin the honor of it. 8. butch Walker – mixtape I don’t like this that much. but its still a good song. been trying to look for his other songs. but couldn’t find it. 9. REM – everybody hurts wala na ko masabe. this is the #1 sad song of all time. across all genres, all continents and all communities. if pain had a song this would be it. I remember, in one of my arguments with my mom, I locked myself in our computer room and listened to this over and over. it helps actually, the lyrics. knowing that everybody hurts sometimes. haha. timeless song. 10. kapatid – fade away im a junkee for local artists. yippee. I so love the lyrics of this song because its on defense mode. haha. ang galing nung kanta sobra. simple lang na astig. post breakup songs should be like this. ehehe. was it something that I said to you, that didn’t turn out right maybe something that I did gave up the fight try to listen to yourself and then youd see my side now tell me it aint about the f**ing pride. astig! anywho, this blog is dedicated to mik. because his line of defense for his misery filled monday is death cab for cutie. eheheh… so Id like to change that old cliché, I think more appropriately, it should read… misery loves music. at least it works for me. Current Mood: nostalgic (Comment on this)
Saturday, September 16th, 2006
1:13 pm	what i will go back in time for this is my second post today.. eheh.. i just feel like writing..whatevs.. I've always been a believer of never regreting, since what you are now is a product of those choices. Like missing a really important football game only to pass a school defense. or suffering a bad breakup and getting a bestfriend in return. to not be able to go to your dream school and getting a scholarship in the other. the list is a pretty long one. but there will be some days that make you think is there something in your past that you want to go back to and change? there are some things that when you wake up, you know you can and do regret. I feel like my entire adolescence just flew by and I wasn’t able to really squeeze out as much fruitful things. And those things that I did (and didn’t do), some of it just might as well be wiped away. most things i regret now are things that i still don't see the point of. things done in the present, with no clarity on how it affects your future. things that were done in haste, in heat, in utmost stupidity. Things that nomatter how much lucid I may have been, it just cant be justified. so what sparked this existential craperoo? well ive been thinking, so what will I go back in time for? the last conversation with my dad. all the breakups versus having even a little romantic symmetry. tripping on a stupid rock in front of your cute friend, cheating on an exam and getting caught. stealing money from my mom. all the things that I know I couldve gone the other way but still managed to walk the weeevil and negligent road. And i look at these as dents in my otherwise ordinary and temporary life. so what do I do now? well, seeing that mcfly is the only person who has gone back in time, ive come to know that when faced with a situation, we make our decisions based on what we know and think is best at that time. The judgement of right or wrong only comes with hindsight. mistakes after all, are only permanent if you make it so. and if all else still fails and you cant find a way out… just look up. Current Mood: mellow (Comment on this)
10:16 am	all work and no play makes timmy a dull girl (nakuha ko yan sa ibang eljay. hehe) so I finally have a Friday off after 13 straight days of work. woohoo! all this work makes me weird. moody and sad. sad? why? kasi nung sabado nalaman ko na hindi talaga ako pde mag artista!!!!!!!!!!!!! explain. explain. we had a booth in megamall for a travel event. I arrived at 6.02am, 2 minutes too late of call time. magandang umaga pilipinas had a spiel for our hotel and my lovely sucker face was part of it. im finally getting airtime! my ghed!!! makeup. check. stance. check. smile. check. ok, so evrything was good to go. my job was to stand a few steps away from our VP while being interviewed. Louie (the host) started talking incessantly with much gusto while I flashed my pearly whites. so the camera started rolling and moving in and about the space and….. eto na eto na… they decided NOT to move to my area because the p.a. was signalling cut! cut! cut! so my 15 seconds of fame was flushed down the drain. my war face is gone, now I have a sucker face. bleh. ang buong akala ko ay lalapit samin si louie at papakita ang mukha namin. but no. they didn’t move an inch and chose to stay oh so stationary. and to add insult to injury, the cameraman started packing up, walked up to me and retorted.. “ayos ah, tapos na, nakangiti pa rin”. helpmeeah! nakuha pa mangasar! you are on my hate list! you, you, you evil person! so there. I am sad. all because karl kalabaw had his 15 seconds of fame and I didn’t. and my dreams of being an extra in a commercial or whatever have now departed. time to find another dream. sucker. Current Mood: bouncy (Comment on this)